|Sunday, August 1st, 2010|
|State of the cat.
I'm back at work on full duty until my arm gives out. Living In Alexandria with the marvelous Della-cat, her three cats and Byron. Hopefully starting classes again on the 23rd. Gradually turning Boxhenge into a regular home environment.
|Tuesday, May 18th, 2010|
Passed my classes. Didn't do fabulously but I'm in good academic standing. My shoulder's still screwed up and I'm still on light duty.
Oh yeah, I'M MOVING INTO AN APARTMENT WITH DELLA IN LESS THAN 2 MONTHS!!! One bedroom unit across the street from NoVa made of brick in a fairly quiet neighborhood. This should be good and fun and cuddly and stuff. I'm ecstatic and terrified.
|Tuesday, April 13th, 2010|
I'd made a habit of dropping by Dirk's place with beers I wanted to try so that he could drink them with me and we could discuss them.
I picked up a six pack of Bell's Celebrator Doppelbock yesterday and as I was driving home from class, I felt a painful need to visit his grave and leave one with him.
It wasn't easy finding him since the last time I saw his grave was at the funeral and the ground was covered in snow.
Immediately after class, I got a coffee and killed time by continuing to read from the anthology Black Thorn, White Rose. I was on the story Stronger Than Time in which, on of the characters remembers asking his dead wife to wait for him.
I asked Dirk to do that for me as we put him in the ground.
I teared up and got in my car, heading for Fairfax to see him.
I'm still fairly fucked up about losing him. One of the things I did for him as his friend was protect him from harm and I feel like I failed him in not seeing this coming and preventing it.
If there's anything after this life, I know I'll see him again but the wait will be hard and I miss him terribly.
|Thursday, February 25th, 2010|
|Horrible fucking fortnight in review.
Dirk's death details are largely done. I spoke at the memorial service and saw him go into the earth. I've done what I can for his housemates and family and now need to focus on pulling my life back together.
In the midst of all this, I started Seeing Della. It's still a bit tentative as we're both hauling a lot of freight from previous relationships and neither of us wants to fuck up and hurt the other. That said, she has been amazing throughout all of this, providing me with support, both emotional and logistical, and a reminder that there is joy in the world.
I'm a bit nervous about how it will work out but I know that we'll treat each other honestly and respectfully.
I'm spent and I know that I'm still not done grieving. going to take things one at a time until I'm back up to speed.
|Monday, February 22nd, 2010|
All of the craziness resulting from Dirk's death on Monday is grinding me down. I've missed classes and tests. I've been getting damn little sleep and i don't think I've had time to properly grieve.
This really sucks.
|Wednesday, February 3rd, 2010|
A year ago today, I had to leave work because the pain in my shoulder was ferociously intense and accompanied by a tingling sensation in my hand. I was terrified that I would not be able to go back to work, couldn't imagine what work I could find and worried that I'd done myself irreversible, permanent damage.
I'd been working at rekindling a relationship that had collapsed the previous fall and had been encouraged to believe that the woman in question wanted the same. She had gone off the the Caribbean for a friend's location wedding and had told me that she might be hard to reach. I called. I texted. I emailed. I re-activated my WoW account and tried to reach her that way. Nothing.
I desperately wanted to be reassured that everything would work out fine but managed to pull it together regardless.
The following Sunday, I received a call from her in that awkward tone that implies something is wrong.
After a bit of prompting, she revealed to me that, while I was experiencing panic over my job and injury, she had been fucking some guy all week and having a marvelous time. Marvelous enough that she was now his girlfriend.
Today I returned to work. I've managed to avoid making the Alanis Morrisette call that I terribly wanted to make. There would have been no one there to hear it.
Still, kinda upset. Even now.
|Tuesday, February 2nd, 2010|
|Bobbing for shifts.
Put in my shift bid today. The seniority I had acquired through attrition disappeared when the LAS and SEA stations got downsized and the refugees came here. Sigh.
|Friday, January 29th, 2010|
|Back on my head
After two weeks of bureaucratic incompetence, I finally have my return to work date. Looks like next Wednesday. My new work schedule is spectacularly fucked. W-Su with a different start time each day and my Sunday shift starts at 0730. Not so bad until you consider that the other 4 days start at 1230 or later. Granted, it's only until the new bid takes effect on the 15th but still, why do they need to fuck me over after hurting me?
|Tuesday, January 12th, 2010|
In Fear and Loathing, the Oscar Acosta character at one point says: "Even a goddamn werewolf is entitled to legal counsel."
No matter how mad I am at someone I care for, I can't just turn my back when life shits on them.
If that makes me weak or easily duped, I'd rather have that than feel like a heartless dick.
|Monday, January 4th, 2010|
Quit Melanie for my NYE resolution. Tried to quit smoking the same day but I think my priorities were straight.
My Orthopedist says I can go back to work on Monday. Almost a year after I was hurt. Yay.
|Monday, December 28th, 2009|
|Death of Hope.
I finally understand in my heart that Melanie does not love me and that there will be no happily ever after.
After fooling around with me for four months while nominally seeing some other guy, She'd asked me to hang out with her over the holidays and made plans to be my date on NYE. She's now in Florida with said other guy, supposedly working on some film he's in.
I have not been 'the nice guy' I was direct about wanting to see her exclusively and stated that I was working towards that goal.
Her interest level has been waning and I was prepared to drift apart after the holidays, this just preempts it and illustrates the rightness of that choice.
I can't imagine what Mel could do at this point to convince me she was sincere if she asked me to see her.
Eventually, even Charlie Brown will stop running at that football.
|Sunday, December 20th, 2009|
Not so bad really. If my body's a little bit weak, My will forced it to do the job. clear path to my car, spot's clear to the street. Got some adequate drunken sledding in at Dirk's place Friday night during Misses Melisses graduation party.
Stiff and sore but satisfied.
|Monday, December 14th, 2009|
|Softly, softly catchee monkey.
Had a shoulder blowout in hardening last Thursday. I'm now very cautiously doing an (admittedly large) fraction of my work simulation stuff. My workload continues to ramp up despite my setback and I've made it abundantly clear that I'm not killing myself and pushing back my return-to-work date.
Pain. All the fucking time.
In other news, Byron is fast becoming an alternate alarm clock, waking me with kitty kisses about five minutes before my alarm.
|Monday, November 30th, 2009|
I'm now in a work rehab program. This basically means I have a part-time job working out while supervised by physical therapists that will gradually become full-time as it progresses. I go from 4 to 6 hours a day on Wednesday and in a few weeks go to 8 hour days. I spend the first half of the day doing cardio and strength training and the second half doing 'work simulation' which so far seems to involve slinging around milk crates full of standard plate. In theory, this will have me fit for work by early January.
In other news, it turns out I CAN date Mel semi-casually and have been doing so for a few weeks. Barring one little altercation after an all-night Black Friday shopping binge, we've been getting along swimmingly. In my heart of hearts, I don't think I'm as casual about it as I'd like to be and I've made it plain that I want more but I'm not harping on it. I'm hoping things work out for something serious or at least that I'm able to cope if it ends.
Our household acquired a new black kitten two Thursdays ago. Her name is Lucy, she's roughly six months old and is both a rampaging Godzilla-cat and a little cuddle puss. Byron has been very tolerant and is getting along with her well enough to play tag.
|Friday, October 23rd, 2009|
|...but it feels so good when I stop...
So, got sucked into the whole dating/not technically dating thing with Mel again.
For the last couple of months we've been intermittently cuddling, snogging and going out to do stuff. She's still nominally seeing this other guy on the Left Coast and plans to move to La La Land to pursue a life/new career with him.
I am predictably sad about this but not angry, she made me no promises and never lied about what she was doing (to ME anyway.) I'm just sad that my unrealistic hopes of her 'seeing the light' didn't pan out.
In the end, she did right by me in a number of ways and if fooling around was a bad idea, it was one that I actively participated in without coercion. Just trying to find a way to let this go without being a complete dick about it.
|Sunday, October 18th, 2009|
|Writer's Block: Happy go lucky
I don't think it's a good idea to focus on 'luck' as an explanation for where you are. If 'Misfortune' is responsible for you being in a bad spot, it can make it seem impossible to find a way out. Choices and consequences. If I can choose poorly, I can fix it by making a better choice later. If I'm 'fucked by the fates' it's tempting to throw up my hands.
|Thursday, September 24th, 2009|
|I'm a mawkish idiot.
Still hung up on two of my exes and concerned about a third. Sooo grateful that Rachel's doing well.
|Tuesday, September 15th, 2009|
Body damaged, will strong.
Get to play catch up with both my classes.
Need to have a heart to heart with a previous employer about unpaid worker's comp.
Worried about an ex who is withering away but won't talk to me.
Single and oscillating between abject despair and relief at the lack of distraction.
Happy birthday to me.
|Sunday, August 16th, 2009|
When I was about 11 or 12, my parents had some kind of overnight thing they needed to do and dropped me off with a friend in our old neighborhood. I was out getting some exercise before sundown, doing pull-ups on a jungle gym.
This girl walked up to me, the last rays of amber sunlight backlighting her, and said "My friend thinks you're cute."
I dropped from the bar, fists clenched and hissed: "You're a liar. Get away from me."
Her eyes widened and she slowly backed away.
As she walked out of sight, I began to cry and shake with rage.
Because she was mocking me.
Because I was ugly.
I think about that a lot.
That kid is still glaring into the sunset in the back of my heart.
|Wednesday, August 12th, 2009|
After things failing to work out with Ashley, it occurs to me that I need to distribute my need for attention and affection among a few people.
I'm trying to find people to have a relatively easygoing, uncomplicated good time with.
It occurs to me that in the past, I was less than fantastically sensitive about considering the feelings of women I was seeing casually and recall certain things to avoid.
I'd like to pick the brains of those of you who've successfully maintained FWBs for tips on doing this ethically.